Grandchildren and my diseased mind

 


Grandchildren......Aren’t they the most wonderful things in the world!! They can make us do things we wouldn’t normally do. Like getting up at 5 am to spend two hours in the car to go watch a soccer game. My firstborn grandchild even scored a goal! He is the sweetest little man! But he’s not so little anymore. He will soon be 9. And I think about him getting older, graduating high school, etc. But if I believed what my diseased mind told me, I wouldn’t be here to see all that! My diseased mind tells me I need to leave this world behind and make my early entrance into heaven, if indeed that is where we go when we off ourselves. And I believe heaven is where we go if we believe in Jesus Christ as our lord and savior no matter the manner in which we die. Some would argue this point but that is another story for another time.

I love my grandchildren and they would only miss me a short time even if they remembered me. But I remember the pain I felt the moment my mother died. It was an indescribable pain. I fell on the floor and wailed! I didn’t cry, I WAILED! I would not want to inflict that pain on anyone. That is what stops me. Inflicting pain on others.... but I realize that one day even that may not stop me. I hope it never comes to that. I have been in hospital two times and both times I was seriously thinking of hurting myself. I feel I am coming to that place again but only time will tell. Today is not that day.

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